Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
HERE’S MARKY
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.