Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god