Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
yea so i messed up lol
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”