nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
President The Rock Obama
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[montage of me giving-up]
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin