My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions