my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I am HOWLING at this
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.