After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
You got this…
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.