The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!