If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises