I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Order here:
More here:
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
This trial is so absurd 😭
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Friday night party time 🥳
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I’m having an out of money experience.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.