[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
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In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?