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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.