Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*