I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
This raises questions
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly