Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
You Might Also Like
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely