My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Breaking news:
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.