Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
🤣🤣🤣
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.