Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
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british sex workers really pound for pound
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Breaking news:
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I have no passwords left in me
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.