I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Always
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.