It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.