Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
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I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me trying to reach for my goals
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything