My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.