Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers