TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
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me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The three genders
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
o shit
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.