You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You Might Also Like
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.