Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
In space, no one can hear…
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Hit me in the face with a bird
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.