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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
tell em, edith-anne
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid