ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.