6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.