Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom