Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
sir, my pâté if you please
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
i wish we could shoplift online
My purse is deeper than some people.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*seductively eats two tums*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”