Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.