‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.