ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait