Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
You Might Also Like
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Uh oh…
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop