Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank