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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
How funny!
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably