Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
You Might Also Like
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
School be like
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”