Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Never forget.
Perfect
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.