*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that