Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I am patiently waiting for your email
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Mornin. * use accordingly
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.