Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead