I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.