“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
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The glockness monster
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”