My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords