Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
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Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Gemma Correll
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’m having an out of money experience.