Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
He took my last fry, your honor
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.