I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I didn’t come here to be called names
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My beach vacation Google searches
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady