Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I love wikipedia
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Truth
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer