Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.